I realize, too, that the main reason I still have a problem with it is due to my need to be seen a certain way. I have a real problem with how I think other people see me - I've always wanted to be accepted, but it's more than that. And being a Pastor's wife is part of it - feeling the need to be perfect all the time, etc. - but I can't blame it all on that.
The thing is, I can let myself get absolutely sick worrying about whether this person thought I wasn't good enough when I did xyz, or that person thought I was being uppity because I was too shy to speak.
So admitting that I have an issue with food - that's one thing (OK, a blind man could tell I have an issue with food). But telling the world that my issue centers around binge eating makes it REALLY personal and really amps up the vulnerability factor for me. I mean, who would want to seek advice or even a friendship if their Pastor's wife/women's leader, co-worker, mom, sister, etc. had such a huge problem when it comes to controlling their food intake. And, yes, I also realize that is flawed thinking, but for so long it has been MY thinking, so that's part of what I'm working through.
I know I'm not the only one that feels this way - it just seems that way sometimes! ;-) That's one of the reasons why I decided to restart this blog and document my journey. Because I know this journey isn't just a physical one. And maybe there's someone else out there who feels too vulnerable to put their issue out there like this. Maybe they can find some peace and help through my story. Granted, my story is still being written, but I'm OK with that.
I did want to address the whole misconception that fat people just need to eat less or move more to be healthier. On the surface, that's true. The formula for successful weight loss is simply to burn more calories than you intake. Sounds easy enough, right?
Of course it is! ..... If you take out emotions and addictions. But let me tell you: I haven't figured out how to do that, so here we are stuck again. Stuck in our stinkin' thinkin'.
For years, I didn't think I had an issue like binge eating. I just thought I was fat because I like food. Well, the thing that I'm having to learn is this:
Food is just food!
I may think I love food, but food sure doesn't love me back. And my "love" for food is simply a false emotion anyway. There's another emotion under there somewhere that is making me want the comfort or distraction of food so that I don't feel that underlying emotion, whatever it is.
I used to think it was boredom. I totally think that's a valid emotion, right?
Now I've realized for me, it's definitely stress-induced. Having a hard day at work means you would see me stopping my the convenient store to get a 20-oz Mountain Dew and a Nanee's (local bakery) fresh apple fritter. (And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I gained back the weight I lost earlier this year so stinking quick!)
Seriously, if my husband was picking me up from work on those days (usually they were days I'd get a call from an irate customer or days I made a mistake on my paperwork), I'd send him a text that said, "bad day. need a MD and snack." And, God love him, my husband would bring me exactly what I asked for. He really spoils me rotten anyway - I'm not ashamed to admit that! :-)
But now I'm learning to direct my attention elsewhere. Having this blog as an outlet has definitely helped with that. But another thing that has helped is actually some advice I got from my favorite podcast, "Half Size Me". (Check it out - on iTunes or Stitcher radio, or go to halfsizeme.com.) When a binge eater feels the urge to binge, Heather (the host, who went from 315lbs to 150-ish by learning to have a healthier relationship with food) suggests you say to yourself, "I am choosing to eat these 4 donuts even though this will NOT contribute to my goal of reaching a healthy weight." (or insert whatever your goal is).
She actually suggests saying it out loud, but I'm not to the talking-to-myself stage yet. :-)
I think this post is getting really long, so next post, I will delve into the mindset of a binge eater, versus the mindset of a healthy eater. I believe there are way too many assumptions and stigmas that hold the obese population of America back. Some of them are put on us by the skinnies, but - let's be real - some of them are put on us by our worst enemy: ourselves.
On a lighter note, despite the crazy weekend and a binging episode that totally knocked my feet out from under me, I am somehow DOWN almost 4 lbs! That means in 3 weeks, I've lost 9 lbs. I credit the lack of freedom from Mountain Dews, and drinking about 100 ounces of water each day.
What small changes have you made this week to help you reach your goal?
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