Working Through the Label I've Given Myself

I realize I shared A LOT in the last two posts - and was definitely more transparent than I have *EVER* allowed myself to be on this subject.  To be honest, I'm still wondering if I shared too much.  But what's done is done, so we're all stuck with it.

I realize, too, that the main reason I still have a problem with it is due to my need to be seen a certain way.  I have a real problem with how I think other people see me - I've always wanted to be accepted, but it's more than that.  And being a Pastor's wife is part of it - feeling the need to be perfect all the time, etc.  - but I can't blame it all on that.

The thing is, I can let myself get absolutely sick worrying about whether this person thought I wasn't good enough when I did xyz, or that person thought I was being uppity because I was too shy to speak.

So admitting that I have an issue with food - that's one thing (OK, a blind man could tell I have an issue with food).  But telling the world that my issue centers around binge eating makes it REALLY personal and really amps up the vulnerability factor for me.  I mean, who would want to seek advice or even a friendship if their Pastor's wife/women's leader, co-worker, mom, sister, etc. had such a huge problem when it comes to controlling their food intake. And, yes, I also realize that is flawed thinking, but for so long it has been MY thinking, so that's part of what I'm working through.

I know I'm not the only one that feels this way - it just seems that way sometimes! ;-)  That's one of the reasons why I decided to restart this blog and document my journey.  Because I know this journey isn't just a physical one.  And maybe there's someone else out there who feels too vulnerable to put their issue out there like this.  Maybe they can find some peace and help through my story.  Granted, my story is still being written, but I'm OK with that.

I did want to address the whole misconception that fat people just need to eat less or move more to be healthier.  On the surface, that's true.  The formula for successful weight loss is simply to burn more calories than you intake. Sounds easy enough, right?

Of course it is!  .....  If you take out emotions and addictions.  But let me tell you: I haven't figured out how to do that, so here we are stuck again.  Stuck in our stinkin' thinkin'.

For years, I didn't think I had an issue like binge eating.  I just thought I was fat because I like food.  Well, the thing that I'm having to learn is this:

Food is just food!

I may think I love food, but food sure doesn't love me back.  And my "love" for food is simply a false emotion anyway.  There's another emotion under there somewhere that is making me want the comfort or distraction of food so that I don't feel that underlying emotion, whatever it is.  

I used to think it was boredom.  I totally think that's a valid emotion, right? 

Now I've realized for me,  it's definitely stress-induced.  Having a hard day at work means you would see me stopping my the convenient store to get a 20-oz Mountain Dew and a Nanee's (local bakery) fresh apple fritter.  (And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I gained back the weight I lost earlier this year so stinking quick!)

Seriously, if my husband was picking me up from work on those days (usually they were days I'd get a call from an irate customer or days I made a mistake on my paperwork), I'd send him a text that said, "bad day.  need a MD and snack."  And, God love him, my husband would bring me exactly what I asked for.  He really spoils me rotten anyway - I'm not ashamed to admit that! :-)

But now I'm learning to direct my attention elsewhere.  Having this blog as an outlet has definitely helped with that.  But another thing that has helped is actually some advice I got from my favorite podcast, "Half Size Me".  (Check it out - on iTunes or Stitcher radio, or go to halfsizeme.com.)  When a binge eater feels the urge to binge, Heather (the host, who went from 315lbs to 150-ish by learning to have a healthier relationship with food) suggests you say to yourself, "I am choosing to eat these 4 donuts even though this will NOT contribute to my goal of reaching a healthy weight." (or insert whatever your goal is).  

She actually suggests saying it out loud, but I'm not to the talking-to-myself stage yet. :-)

I think this post is getting really long, so next post, I will delve into the mindset of a binge eater, versus the mindset of a healthy eater.  I believe there are way too many assumptions and stigmas that hold the obese population of America back.  Some of them are put on us by the skinnies, but - let's be real - some of them are put on us by our worst enemy: ourselves.

On a lighter note, despite the crazy weekend and a binging episode that totally knocked my feet out from under me, I am somehow DOWN almost 4 lbs!  That means in 3 weeks, I've lost 9 lbs.  I credit the lack of freedom from Mountain Dews, and drinking about 100 ounces of water each day.

What small changes have you made this week to help you reach your goal?

Writing the Vision

We've had a VERY busy and trying weekend but this week is starting off to a good start.  Last weekend we were out of town for our friend's funeral, and I'm pretty sure I gained back at least 3 lbs from the "bad" choices I made.

Remember me talking about planning things and how well I do when I plan things out?  Well, I didn't plan for the restaurants we went to and when I was trying figure out what I was going to eat there, I wound up getting flustered (I HATE being the last person not knowing what to get), not to mention my emotional state was a bit raw... so I sort of defaulted to what the old Tab would have ordered.

So I consumed more calories than what I should have on Friday and Saturday, and probably Sunday too, since we went with my sis and her bambinos to their favorite country buffet.  (I did eat mostly veggies, but you know southern cooking can add on the calories without you even knowing it! LOL)

In spite of that, I'm NOT throwing in the towel.  I had my depressed moments about it, believe me, but I have to be careful not to let myself stay in that place.  I can't afford to go under again. I've GOT to keep my head above water, even when it seems I'm too weak to keep on.

I decided that for today's post, I'm going to remind myself of why I'm doing this - getting healthier and doing so in such a public, uber-accountable fashion.

1.  I will be a runner...and I will call myself a RUNNER.  I've walked/jogged a few times, but I'm ready to be running some 5ks!
2.  I will be able to take my son on vacation and not be concerned about weight limits, fitting in seats or standing/walking for long periods of time.
3.  I will shop at a place that does not carry plus-sized clothes.
4.  I will not worry about developing diabetes and heart conditions due to my sedentary lifestyle because I do not have a sedentary lifestyle any longer.
5.  I will not be ashamed for being the biggest mom in whatever room I walk into.
6.  I will help others realize their potential in becoming the healthiest person they can be, too!
7.  I will look back and realize that I AM STRONG ENOUGH to do what God has called me to do; and to change what God wants me to change!

What are your goals or motivation points?  Write them out!!!

Every Step

Found this online and it really struck a chord with me.  Hope it blesses someone else too!

More Questions Than Answers

Sometimes you just have no words, you know?  This week started out normal.  Monday was...a Monday.  Getting used to those.

Tuesday morning we woke up to the news that one of our dearest brothers in Christ passed away without much warning at all.  He had just talked to the hubster last week, asking for us to pray for one of his daughters.  He was always thinking of others, and really was the epitome of a hard worker.  I can still hear him calling out to Col at church, "Boy, you better get over here and give me a hug!"  Ten years ago, when we moved back to Georgia, John and his bride took us out for our first dinner in Savannah and showed us such love...we bonded almost immediately with them and really they became an extension of our family in the years we served in Savannah.

We are heading for his memorial service tomorrow and I'm just not sure I'm ready to say goodbye to someone who brought so much joy to so many people.  This is definitely one of those times when I just don't have the answers.  I just don't understand.

I had considered keeping all of this out of my blog, but have decided to include it because this week has helped me to learn some things about myself.  I'm becoming my own behavioral study.  Let's face it:  I did not get this size by only eating 1 serving size at only 3 meals a day.  I am an emotional, binge eater.  I need to find out what my triggers are, so that I can prepare myself for living a FIT life.  Not a "morbidly obese" life.

Now, those are some strong words.  I have not labeled myself in that way before.  At least, not out in the open.  I. DO. NOT. LIKE. ADMITTING. MY. FLAWS. And I definitely see this as a flaw.

Here's what Mayo Clinic says about binge eating:

Binge-eating disorder is a serious eating disorder in which you frequently consume unusually large amounts of food. Almost everyone overeats on occasion, such as having seconds or thirds of a holiday meal. But for some people, overeating crosses the line to binge-eating disorder and it becomes a regular occurrence, usually done in secret.

When you have binge-eating disorder, you may be deeply embarrassed about gorging and vow to stop. But you feel such a compulsion that you can't resist the urges and continue binge eating.

This is a truly humbling experience to put all this out there like this.  I'm a closet binge-eater.  When people are around, I make healthy choices (like at work), but when it's just me, I might stop and get WAY too much snack food and eat it all before I get home, hide the wrappers so the hubster doesn't see how much I ate.  Then when I get home have dinner.  Way too many calories, and they're empty calories at that..

So what causes me to binge eat?  To stuff myself till I'm miserable - so frequently that there's no way I could EVER burn off all those calories.  To KNOW that what I'm doing is unhealthy, but switch off my mind so that I can mindlessly consume thousands of calories more than I need?

Well, that's an intensely personal question, and maybe one day you'll know, but suffice it to say, I'm working through that.

I think that's why I have such a peace (to put it church-y) that this time is different.  I've tried so many times to lose weight, and some times were more successful than others - but none were lasting.  So, I've been asking myself these last few weeks, "What am I going to do to make sure this time doesn't turn out like all the others?"

One of the first steps to to live like I'm already fit.  Making those decisions NOW instead of waiting till I'm healthy.  I think a lot of times people feel like if they could just lose the weight, they'll magically start wanting only healthy foods and habits, but I've come to realize that doing so is just a recipe for disaster.

But the most important step, in my opinion, is to figure out why you do what you don't want to do (i.e. overeat/binge eat) and what triggers we can avoid to make those healthier decisions easier to make.

So I made some unhealthy choices in my food after work this week.  I'm telling you, at work -- no problem!  I only eat what I bring to work.  I can't just run to the drive through for something different, so I'm "stuck" with what I bring.  And I only bring healthy stuff.

After work is a different story.  If we have it planned to have a healthy dinner at home - and we have what we need to cook that dinner - then I'm good to go.  It's when we go out and have to make decisions on the fly that I wind up choosing something high-calorie, because it's my "last dinner" at this place and the "next time" I'll be healthier.

So I've learned that about myself.  That I need to always plan ahead - even if we are going out to eat.  Thankfully, SparkPeople.com makes looking up estimated calories easy, so we definitely used that this week!

And another thing that I've known for a while that I'm finally putting into practice these last few weeks is doing away with the "all or nothing" attitude when it comes to food choices  Many times in the past, if I had a high-calorie meal (say, a country fried steak dinner at Cracker Barrel), I'd beat myself up about it and wind up making poor choices the rest of the week because "I already messed it up - might as well start again on Monday..."

This time, I'm absolutely living by the 80% rule -- it's what you do 80% of the time that matters in the long run (at least where my diet and fitness is concerned.).  Yes, I made a poor choice at dinner the other night, but when I got home, I was totally ready to "begin again" and kept making healthier choices for my food the rest of the time.  (As opposed to feeling guilty about it and then drowning my guilt in a double- or triple-portion of high-calorie ice cream, maybe even with some Mountain Dew to wash it down - LOL)

So, the take home from this week is a two-part.  1) Understand what influences your poor decisions; and 2) If you make a poor decision, get up and keep going!  Don't keep wallowing where you are - you just get dirtier and stinkier and fatter, and no one (especially you) will like that.

By the way, this week the scale showed I lost an even 2 pounds!  I'll take it!

Keep going!

4 more, more, more!

How has your week been? Have you made any changes for the good?

I've had a crazy week...but then I should be used to that by now. LOL

I've done pretty good at staying within my calorie range, except for a couple days over the weekend.  Visits with friends and a sick day will mess with your thinking when it comes to making good decisions on calorie intake, but all in all it's been good.  I've been able to drink a ton of water pretty much every day and haven't had a Mountain Dew since Sunday, I think.  Y'all know....that's like a year in Mountain-Dew-Addiction time.  Yay, me!

So I've committed to drinking four 20-ounce bottles of water per day.  For someone who likes soda so much, I find it interesting that I can't stand flavored water.  I've tried several types - from those I.C.E. flavored water, to the drops you put in your own water - and I would just rather drink plain old, cold water.  Weird, right?  At least I don't have to worry about hidden calories in flavored water, I guess!

I've learned that if I can drink a 20-ounce bottle of water by the time I get to work, then I can have a cup of coffee at work and finish the day strong with my other 3 bottles of water by the time I go home.

Side note: I tried just drinking tap water in a reusable cup instead of using all those bottles of water, but our tap water at work has been tasting wonky, and no one likes to drink nasty tasting water.  So Sam's Choice 20-ounce waters it is.

I had very seriously considered staying off the scale for several weeks before I weight myself again.  I know of several people with my amount of weight to lose who wound up being very bound by their dependency on the scale - one of my favorite podcast leaders would weigh herself in up to 5 times a day!!  I definitely don't want to switch one form of bondage for another, so I'm trying to keep things in perspective.

Having said all that, I did jump on the scale yesterday before I left work just to see where I was standing.  Mind you, this was an AFTERNOON weigh-in.  Normally I weigh in right as soon as possible after getting ready for the day, before I even eat or drink anything.  But yesterday was a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing.

Well, I've lost 4 lbs in a week!  (technically 8 days)

And, yes, I've done this enough times to know it's the "water weight" we've all heard of and the weeks from here on out may not have numbers that high.  I'm OK with that.  For one thing, I can't lose the fat weight till I get the bloat off...but for another, I'm more interested in my weight loss number after several weeks.

I want to look at the weekly weigh in as a scale to measure my success in creating a more active lifestyle for that week...sort of just making sure I'm steering myself in the right direction.  If I get too bogged down worrying about whether the scale is going to show another 4 lb loss or not, I won't ENJOY the daily efforts I'm putting in to change my long-term health.  Does that make sense?

Looking back, here are somethings I know I did right:
*drinking LOTS of water
*cutting WAY back on my Mountain Dews
*scaling back my late night snacking
*went to eat at Applebee's Sunday with our friends and chose a VERY HEALTHY and SOOOOO YUMMY meal that came in at under 500 calories!

And things I'd like to work on this week:
*Being more active after work
*keeping my night snacking in check

Speaking of being more active, we went biking as a family tonight - 1.23 miles.  It was only about 10 minutes, but I think nearly every one of those minutes was uphill!!  We all enjoyed it though.  I was so please that my hubby enjoyed it, too.  I had chosen a shorter route, because I didn't know if he'd be good with pushing as much as I wanted to, but he surprised me and suggested the route we took!  Yay, Hubster! Of course our son was loving every minute of it and wanted to do more.  Love it!

Before I sign off, I wanted to show you something I found that I WILL be trying soon!!

These are 911 Emergency Chocolate Cookies!  (follow the link for the recipe)  The description says the taste like corner brownies, are 102 calories per serving and since they are cookies, portion control is almost built in!  I do have my Ziploc Snack bags on hand though. ;-)  Can't wait to try it.  We all need some chocolate in our diets, right?

Let me know what worked for you this week!  (and if you try those cookies, share those too!)

Welcome back, world!

Well, hello there!  It's been a while, hasn't it!?!?  I kind of feel like I should write pages of updates on all the changes and updates that have happened in my little family's lives, but that would take up way too much time on my end and yours!

I admit it, I fell off the wagon.  A few times.  Got REALLY distracted by life and stress and really just took my focus off my mission of living like I'm fit.

But.... After our move last year to Ochlocknee (yes, that's the name of our town), God absolutely placed me in a job where nearly every person there is a fitness freak enthusiast, so I've had some majorly positive peer pressure going on at work.  In fact, the truth is I was and am more than a little intimidated at their level of fitness - and their dedication to it.  So I'd make some good choices while I'm at work -- like bringing my Healthy Choice lunches, etc.  -- but for the most part, it wasn't a full-time commitment.

At the beginning of this year, we all took part in "Team Lean" which is a weight-loss contest our area does each year.  I was so excited about it that I actually coordinated one at our church (Our church is The Bridge Church of God, so our contest at the church was fittingly called "BRIDGEST Loser"...cute, right?).  Well in about 12-ish weeks, I lost a bit over 15 pounds!  Had a great time doing it too!  Even at my morbidly obese weight, I actually started RUNNING and even walk/jogged a 5K in my hometown in honor of my dad, who became a lung cancer survivor this year!

Then I became less focused since the contests were over (by the way, I got 3rd place at work!).  Drinking the Mountain Dews again (that part-- the Mountain Dew Struggle--  hasn't changed in the 3 years of having this blog)...not exercising as much...being a LOT more indulgent with my food choices.

To say I fell off the wagon doesn't quite cover it.

I JUMPED OFF THAT WAGON!

Then, last week I stepped back on the scale again for the first time since the weight loss competition ended...and realized that not only did I gain those 15 lbs back...I added another 5 lbs just to even out the equation!  I was SOOOOOOOO disgusted.  Disappointed.  Depressed.

After wallowing for a while, I just had to come to conclusion that I HAVE to be in control of this day in and day out.

I've dieted off again and on-again for years now.  I know nearly everything there is to know about the science of weight loss, some of the psychology of weight loss and have tried (and sometimes succeeded with)  several different  methods of weight loss in my adult life.

Now it's time to stop the dieting and start living like I'm fit.  Like I said I would when I first started this blog.

I've learned I am definitely one of those people that has to have my inspiration and motivation in my face, day in and day out.  So I will be updating my blog a LOT more often, and I've got a few tricks up my sleeve I'll be telling you about as I journey along.

So, to keep me accountable, let me close by encouraging you to find me on sparkpeople.com - my username is fit4tab.  Also, can I ask you to post comments - even questions - on my blog posts?  And when you read, share my posts to get others to read?

Basically, I need you --- my unknown audience --- to put my story out there as it is being built.  Because I've also learned that I am someone who will do something quicker if I know someone else is counting on it.

Thanks for visiting!  Y'all come back, now!