No Longer Hiding

I know the last few months I've been REALLY quiet on my blog.  There was a reason, I promise!

Several months ago, Jerry and I applied for a casting call with a major network for a weight loss show.  (Not the Biggest Loser)  We made it through several cuts and were flown to LA for the final cut - only 16 couples had made it that far and we were so excited!  We just knew that our chance had finally come!  We'd be able to have access to trainers and therapists and nutritionists and FINALLY lose weight and be healthy!

Over those several months, we had to provide a ton of pictures and videos of us.  It was exciting at first, but after about the third time of them requesting even MORE pics, it was growing pretty thin.  "We need some full-body shots of you," they said.   I mean, don't they realize fat people don't like the camera?  That's why I take the pictures - I don't like to be in them!! ;-)

But somehow they still wanted us to come to the finals and meet with some big-wigs so they could find the best couples for their show.  So, of course we had to stay quiet in case we were chosen.

The flights were pretty cool.  It's been a while since I've flown (like 15 years!) and I kept taking pics of EVERYTHING to show our boy when we got back.  (Some great friends were taking care of him while we were gone.  Man, I missed that handsome little trouble-maker!)

Long story short, they did not choose us to be a part of this show.  I believe the words they used were they "decided to go in a different direction".  I was heart-broken.  And when I say heart-broken, I mean faith-shaking, mind-numbing desperation.

You see, in the interviews we had, I'm pretty sure we had two major strikes against us.  One: the producers thought Jerry couldn't live without me for any length of time (putting a kink in the show plans). LOL    And/Or Two:  They didn't think that once I lost the weight I'd be able to keep it off.

How many times have I been down this road, where I start to lose weight, start getting healthier and then just fizzle out?  Slowly returning to bad habits and gaining all my weight back and then some?

How could I go back home knowing that someone who had the power to give me every tool, every support person, every therapy session I'd need to be successful --- that person(s) didn't even believe I was worth the effort, because I'd probably just gain the weight back anyway.

Very few people knew where we were and what we were doing.  But how could I come home and face them, and face my son, and tell them that I/we failed in this most recent attempt to be a normal, healthy family?  I'd proven to myself time and time again that I can't do this on my own.  Why were we brought across the country just to be told we didn't have what it takes....again?

I was beginning to think it would have been better for me to come home in a coffin.

Then I started thinking about the poor guys who'd have to carry the coffin and started crying again because I'd still be a burden dead.

I can honestly say I have never been in as dark a place as I was that weekend.

But the show must go on, right?  I came back to a new job/promotion, so that was a good thing.  And we have a church to lead, and a sweet son to raise, so I kept putting one foot in front of the other.  Left, right, left, right....

We had talked quite a bit before flying out to LA about what we would do if we were chosen, if we were not chosen, etc.  We both agreed that no matter what, this HAS to be the year of change for us.  We joined the Y a couple months before flying out, although we hadn't really made full use of our membership (something one of the producers took great joy in pointing out -- "well, you have to use it, for it to do any good."  That was right before the casting director interrupted me to say, "You're done.  Time to leave."  Joyful banter, no?)

Jerry, I have to say, seemed unshaken.  He was my rock through this.  Always telling me, "we have this.  We know what to do. We have a plan, we just need to work the plan."

And so we have.  Jerry was fully on-board with making a lifestyle change as soon as we got back.  I honestly just went through the motions that first week.  I really didn't want to disappoint Jerry again, so I just kept going to the Y with my coworkers and ditched Mountain Dews (no Mountain Dews for me since 1/11/15!) and choosing better meals.

Since that first week, my mindset has done a complete 180!  Praise God, because that depression mess is exhausting!

Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday I go to Lunchtime Express Class (full-body work out during your lunch break) and recently have added Spinning on Tuesdays and Thursdays.   Once I figured out my calorie intake needs (I wasn't eating enough for all the exercising, can you believe it?), I've been losing an average of 2-3 lbs per week.  Which is what we want to do.

Jerry goes to the Y every morning to work out alone.  He says the "social work-out" is my thing, not his.  LOL

The best thing is this plan that we're on seems totally doable for the rest of...forever.  We're cooking more at home (saving the $$$, PTL!) and enjoying a healthy lifestyle.  Another thing that makes this feel so different and still so successful is that we (I) don't completely melt down if I eat too much or don't have my "healthy" lunch or dinner.  Because I know that the next meal will be back to our new normal.

So that's where I've been.  It's not something every pastor's wife might admit, but I'm not every pastor's wife.  I'm learning not to hide my faults as much.  It's exhausting to do that.

What have you been hiding that holds you back?  Talk to me!

PS>> For those who use myfitnesspal.com for tracking food and calories, look me up! My username is tabrewis.  Find my workout posts on Instragram under the same username (tabrewis).