Taking the BAD with the GOOD

Guess what!  We celebrated our SIXTEENTH anniversary weekend.  Kind of crazy, right?  When we got married there were people saying we wouldn't make it 3 months, so I think making it 16 years is pretty good.  And we are so going to enjoy the next 16 years, too! :-)

So today was probably the first time since I started living like I'm fit that my stress and depression took such a front row seat that I TOTALLY acted out with my food decisions.  Some plans I made - BIG plans - fell through and it absolutely crushed me.  So bad, in fact, that I went and had not one, but TWO pieces of birthday cake!

Sometimes things happen and you just get to the point where you're like, "I don't care - whatever - just give me the______________" (fill in the blank with chocolate, cake, ice cream, chips...whatever your go-to food item is).

One of the things I've read and tried my best to implement is the advice I got from one of my favorite podcasts, Half Size Me.  The host, Heather, recommends that when you feel a binge coming on (and let's be real --- that was a binge for me even if I didn't take the whole cake at one time), to say to yourself, "This is not going to help me reach my end goal."

My end goal, of course is to lose weight and get healthier.  And honestly, I think I thought about that little phrase, but I just didn't care.  I was in full-blown pity party mode.

So far into that party mode, that when I came home, I had full intentions of putting my jammies on (which I did) and staying in bed the rest of the day.  

But then I remembered my end goal.  And I remembered those two pieces of cake I'd had today.  And I remembered that I could still burn some calories, even if I did 'mess up' earlier.

So the happy ending is, I did my T25 cardio workout - nearly puked again - and feel a little less guilty about my actions today. (Side note:  just for the record, I'm less concerned about the fact that I had birthday cake, and WAY MORE concerned about WHY I had birthday cake.  It was a completely emotional decision.  Not an "I want cake" decision, but more of a "I want to drown my sorrows in this yummy sugary icing" decision.)

But here's the thing.  I'm totally aware that there will be (honestly, there have already been) days where I'm just not going to have the time or the get-up-and-go to correct something that I messed up on earlier.  There may be days that I just cave and become the unfit Tabatha I was a few months ago.

The question then becomes "Can I recover from that point?"

Today---right now, I feel confident that I could.  So maybe that will help with the next time.  Since we're still human, still stuck here on planet earth, I'm pretty sure this won't be the last time.

So now I have to ask myself if it's enough to know I'm not going to do this thing - this living fit - perfectly and just do what I can, when I can?  It's so hard to put up with imperfection coming from myself.  But I guess that's part of this journey...accepting the good and the bad and doing the best I can with both.

Working Through the Label I've Given Myself

I realize I shared A LOT in the last two posts - and was definitely more transparent than I have *EVER* allowed myself to be on this subject.  To be honest, I'm still wondering if I shared too much.  But what's done is done, so we're all stuck with it.

I realize, too, that the main reason I still have a problem with it is due to my need to be seen a certain way.  I have a real problem with how I think other people see me - I've always wanted to be accepted, but it's more than that.  And being a Pastor's wife is part of it - feeling the need to be perfect all the time, etc.  - but I can't blame it all on that.

The thing is, I can let myself get absolutely sick worrying about whether this person thought I wasn't good enough when I did xyz, or that person thought I was being uppity because I was too shy to speak.

So admitting that I have an issue with food - that's one thing (OK, a blind man could tell I have an issue with food).  But telling the world that my issue centers around binge eating makes it REALLY personal and really amps up the vulnerability factor for me.  I mean, who would want to seek advice or even a friendship if their Pastor's wife/women's leader, co-worker, mom, sister, etc. had such a huge problem when it comes to controlling their food intake. And, yes, I also realize that is flawed thinking, but for so long it has been MY thinking, so that's part of what I'm working through.

I know I'm not the only one that feels this way - it just seems that way sometimes! ;-)  That's one of the reasons why I decided to restart this blog and document my journey.  Because I know this journey isn't just a physical one.  And maybe there's someone else out there who feels too vulnerable to put their issue out there like this.  Maybe they can find some peace and help through my story.  Granted, my story is still being written, but I'm OK with that.

I did want to address the whole misconception that fat people just need to eat less or move more to be healthier.  On the surface, that's true.  The formula for successful weight loss is simply to burn more calories than you intake. Sounds easy enough, right?

Of course it is!  .....  If you take out emotions and addictions.  But let me tell you: I haven't figured out how to do that, so here we are stuck again.  Stuck in our stinkin' thinkin'.

For years, I didn't think I had an issue like binge eating.  I just thought I was fat because I like food.  Well, the thing that I'm having to learn is this:

Food is just food!

I may think I love food, but food sure doesn't love me back.  And my "love" for food is simply a false emotion anyway.  There's another emotion under there somewhere that is making me want the comfort or distraction of food so that I don't feel that underlying emotion, whatever it is.  

I used to think it was boredom.  I totally think that's a valid emotion, right? 

Now I've realized for me,  it's definitely stress-induced.  Having a hard day at work means you would see me stopping my the convenient store to get a 20-oz Mountain Dew and a Nanee's (local bakery) fresh apple fritter.  (And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I gained back the weight I lost earlier this year so stinking quick!)

Seriously, if my husband was picking me up from work on those days (usually they were days I'd get a call from an irate customer or days I made a mistake on my paperwork), I'd send him a text that said, "bad day.  need a MD and snack."  And, God love him, my husband would bring me exactly what I asked for.  He really spoils me rotten anyway - I'm not ashamed to admit that! :-)

But now I'm learning to direct my attention elsewhere.  Having this blog as an outlet has definitely helped with that.  But another thing that has helped is actually some advice I got from my favorite podcast, "Half Size Me".  (Check it out - on iTunes or Stitcher radio, or go to halfsizeme.com.)  When a binge eater feels the urge to binge, Heather (the host, who went from 315lbs to 150-ish by learning to have a healthier relationship with food) suggests you say to yourself, "I am choosing to eat these 4 donuts even though this will NOT contribute to my goal of reaching a healthy weight." (or insert whatever your goal is).  

She actually suggests saying it out loud, but I'm not to the talking-to-myself stage yet. :-)

I think this post is getting really long, so next post, I will delve into the mindset of a binge eater, versus the mindset of a healthy eater.  I believe there are way too many assumptions and stigmas that hold the obese population of America back.  Some of them are put on us by the skinnies, but - let's be real - some of them are put on us by our worst enemy: ourselves.

On a lighter note, despite the crazy weekend and a binging episode that totally knocked my feet out from under me, I am somehow DOWN almost 4 lbs!  That means in 3 weeks, I've lost 9 lbs.  I credit the lack of freedom from Mountain Dews, and drinking about 100 ounces of water each day.

What small changes have you made this week to help you reach your goal?

More Questions Than Answers

Sometimes you just have no words, you know?  This week started out normal.  Monday was...a Monday.  Getting used to those.

Tuesday morning we woke up to the news that one of our dearest brothers in Christ passed away without much warning at all.  He had just talked to the hubster last week, asking for us to pray for one of his daughters.  He was always thinking of others, and really was the epitome of a hard worker.  I can still hear him calling out to Col at church, "Boy, you better get over here and give me a hug!"  Ten years ago, when we moved back to Georgia, John and his bride took us out for our first dinner in Savannah and showed us such love...we bonded almost immediately with them and really they became an extension of our family in the years we served in Savannah.

We are heading for his memorial service tomorrow and I'm just not sure I'm ready to say goodbye to someone who brought so much joy to so many people.  This is definitely one of those times when I just don't have the answers.  I just don't understand.

I had considered keeping all of this out of my blog, but have decided to include it because this week has helped me to learn some things about myself.  I'm becoming my own behavioral study.  Let's face it:  I did not get this size by only eating 1 serving size at only 3 meals a day.  I am an emotional, binge eater.  I need to find out what my triggers are, so that I can prepare myself for living a FIT life.  Not a "morbidly obese" life.

Now, those are some strong words.  I have not labeled myself in that way before.  At least, not out in the open.  I. DO. NOT. LIKE. ADMITTING. MY. FLAWS. And I definitely see this as a flaw.

Here's what Mayo Clinic says about binge eating:

Binge-eating disorder is a serious eating disorder in which you frequently consume unusually large amounts of food. Almost everyone overeats on occasion, such as having seconds or thirds of a holiday meal. But for some people, overeating crosses the line to binge-eating disorder and it becomes a regular occurrence, usually done in secret.

When you have binge-eating disorder, you may be deeply embarrassed about gorging and vow to stop. But you feel such a compulsion that you can't resist the urges and continue binge eating.

This is a truly humbling experience to put all this out there like this.  I'm a closet binge-eater.  When people are around, I make healthy choices (like at work), but when it's just me, I might stop and get WAY too much snack food and eat it all before I get home, hide the wrappers so the hubster doesn't see how much I ate.  Then when I get home have dinner.  Way too many calories, and they're empty calories at that..

So what causes me to binge eat?  To stuff myself till I'm miserable - so frequently that there's no way I could EVER burn off all those calories.  To KNOW that what I'm doing is unhealthy, but switch off my mind so that I can mindlessly consume thousands of calories more than I need?

Well, that's an intensely personal question, and maybe one day you'll know, but suffice it to say, I'm working through that.

I think that's why I have such a peace (to put it church-y) that this time is different.  I've tried so many times to lose weight, and some times were more successful than others - but none were lasting.  So, I've been asking myself these last few weeks, "What am I going to do to make sure this time doesn't turn out like all the others?"

One of the first steps to to live like I'm already fit.  Making those decisions NOW instead of waiting till I'm healthy.  I think a lot of times people feel like if they could just lose the weight, they'll magically start wanting only healthy foods and habits, but I've come to realize that doing so is just a recipe for disaster.

But the most important step, in my opinion, is to figure out why you do what you don't want to do (i.e. overeat/binge eat) and what triggers we can avoid to make those healthier decisions easier to make.

So I made some unhealthy choices in my food after work this week.  I'm telling you, at work -- no problem!  I only eat what I bring to work.  I can't just run to the drive through for something different, so I'm "stuck" with what I bring.  And I only bring healthy stuff.

After work is a different story.  If we have it planned to have a healthy dinner at home - and we have what we need to cook that dinner - then I'm good to go.  It's when we go out and have to make decisions on the fly that I wind up choosing something high-calorie, because it's my "last dinner" at this place and the "next time" I'll be healthier.

So I've learned that about myself.  That I need to always plan ahead - even if we are going out to eat.  Thankfully, SparkPeople.com makes looking up estimated calories easy, so we definitely used that this week!

And another thing that I've known for a while that I'm finally putting into practice these last few weeks is doing away with the "all or nothing" attitude when it comes to food choices  Many times in the past, if I had a high-calorie meal (say, a country fried steak dinner at Cracker Barrel), I'd beat myself up about it and wind up making poor choices the rest of the week because "I already messed it up - might as well start again on Monday..."

This time, I'm absolutely living by the 80% rule -- it's what you do 80% of the time that matters in the long run (at least where my diet and fitness is concerned.).  Yes, I made a poor choice at dinner the other night, but when I got home, I was totally ready to "begin again" and kept making healthier choices for my food the rest of the time.  (As opposed to feeling guilty about it and then drowning my guilt in a double- or triple-portion of high-calorie ice cream, maybe even with some Mountain Dew to wash it down - LOL)

So, the take home from this week is a two-part.  1) Understand what influences your poor decisions; and 2) If you make a poor decision, get up and keep going!  Don't keep wallowing where you are - you just get dirtier and stinkier and fatter, and no one (especially you) will like that.

By the way, this week the scale showed I lost an even 2 pounds!  I'll take it!

Keep going!