More Questions Than Answers

Sometimes you just have no words, you know?  This week started out normal.  Monday was...a Monday.  Getting used to those.

Tuesday morning we woke up to the news that one of our dearest brothers in Christ passed away without much warning at all.  He had just talked to the hubster last week, asking for us to pray for one of his daughters.  He was always thinking of others, and really was the epitome of a hard worker.  I can still hear him calling out to Col at church, "Boy, you better get over here and give me a hug!"  Ten years ago, when we moved back to Georgia, John and his bride took us out for our first dinner in Savannah and showed us such love...we bonded almost immediately with them and really they became an extension of our family in the years we served in Savannah.

We are heading for his memorial service tomorrow and I'm just not sure I'm ready to say goodbye to someone who brought so much joy to so many people.  This is definitely one of those times when I just don't have the answers.  I just don't understand.

I had considered keeping all of this out of my blog, but have decided to include it because this week has helped me to learn some things about myself.  I'm becoming my own behavioral study.  Let's face it:  I did not get this size by only eating 1 serving size at only 3 meals a day.  I am an emotional, binge eater.  I need to find out what my triggers are, so that I can prepare myself for living a FIT life.  Not a "morbidly obese" life.

Now, those are some strong words.  I have not labeled myself in that way before.  At least, not out in the open.  I. DO. NOT. LIKE. ADMITTING. MY. FLAWS. And I definitely see this as a flaw.

Here's what Mayo Clinic says about binge eating:

Binge-eating disorder is a serious eating disorder in which you frequently consume unusually large amounts of food. Almost everyone overeats on occasion, such as having seconds or thirds of a holiday meal. But for some people, overeating crosses the line to binge-eating disorder and it becomes a regular occurrence, usually done in secret.

When you have binge-eating disorder, you may be deeply embarrassed about gorging and vow to stop. But you feel such a compulsion that you can't resist the urges and continue binge eating.

This is a truly humbling experience to put all this out there like this.  I'm a closet binge-eater.  When people are around, I make healthy choices (like at work), but when it's just me, I might stop and get WAY too much snack food and eat it all before I get home, hide the wrappers so the hubster doesn't see how much I ate.  Then when I get home have dinner.  Way too many calories, and they're empty calories at that..

So what causes me to binge eat?  To stuff myself till I'm miserable - so frequently that there's no way I could EVER burn off all those calories.  To KNOW that what I'm doing is unhealthy, but switch off my mind so that I can mindlessly consume thousands of calories more than I need?

Well, that's an intensely personal question, and maybe one day you'll know, but suffice it to say, I'm working through that.

I think that's why I have such a peace (to put it church-y) that this time is different.  I've tried so many times to lose weight, and some times were more successful than others - but none were lasting.  So, I've been asking myself these last few weeks, "What am I going to do to make sure this time doesn't turn out like all the others?"

One of the first steps to to live like I'm already fit.  Making those decisions NOW instead of waiting till I'm healthy.  I think a lot of times people feel like if they could just lose the weight, they'll magically start wanting only healthy foods and habits, but I've come to realize that doing so is just a recipe for disaster.

But the most important step, in my opinion, is to figure out why you do what you don't want to do (i.e. overeat/binge eat) and what triggers we can avoid to make those healthier decisions easier to make.

So I made some unhealthy choices in my food after work this week.  I'm telling you, at work -- no problem!  I only eat what I bring to work.  I can't just run to the drive through for something different, so I'm "stuck" with what I bring.  And I only bring healthy stuff.

After work is a different story.  If we have it planned to have a healthy dinner at home - and we have what we need to cook that dinner - then I'm good to go.  It's when we go out and have to make decisions on the fly that I wind up choosing something high-calorie, because it's my "last dinner" at this place and the "next time" I'll be healthier.

So I've learned that about myself.  That I need to always plan ahead - even if we are going out to eat.  Thankfully, SparkPeople.com makes looking up estimated calories easy, so we definitely used that this week!

And another thing that I've known for a while that I'm finally putting into practice these last few weeks is doing away with the "all or nothing" attitude when it comes to food choices  Many times in the past, if I had a high-calorie meal (say, a country fried steak dinner at Cracker Barrel), I'd beat myself up about it and wind up making poor choices the rest of the week because "I already messed it up - might as well start again on Monday..."

This time, I'm absolutely living by the 80% rule -- it's what you do 80% of the time that matters in the long run (at least where my diet and fitness is concerned.).  Yes, I made a poor choice at dinner the other night, but when I got home, I was totally ready to "begin again" and kept making healthier choices for my food the rest of the time.  (As opposed to feeling guilty about it and then drowning my guilt in a double- or triple-portion of high-calorie ice cream, maybe even with some Mountain Dew to wash it down - LOL)

So, the take home from this week is a two-part.  1) Understand what influences your poor decisions; and 2) If you make a poor decision, get up and keep going!  Don't keep wallowing where you are - you just get dirtier and stinkier and fatter, and no one (especially you) will like that.

By the way, this week the scale showed I lost an even 2 pounds!  I'll take it!

Keep going!